Brighter than the day before

 My name is Kaeli! 

We all have a story! Some of our stories have similarities or things we can relate too and some of our stories are completely different! But hopefully they are all something we can appreciate and that they can help someone else as they are walking their path of challenges and dark days! 

I want to first acknowledge that I know that because I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ who suffered and atoned for me, that I am who I am and where I am today. They are the reason I am happy and thriving. They are the reason I am not only okay, but great! Not only through the Gospel of Jesus Christ am I whole but also through modern medicine.  All of these things have given me a happy and healthy mind. 

Am I happy and perfect every single day? No! Do I still have days with a cloud over my head? Yes! 100% But do my days get better? Does the sun shine brighter tomorrow or the next day? ALWAYS!

My goal is not to make someone think that I’ve had it harder than anyone else! Just to let people know how normal dark days are and that we can all help each other through them! 

When I was going through a hard time in my life my older sister wrote something to me that I’ve never forgotten! I can’t remember it verbatim but it went along these lines!

“Remember tomorrow is a new day, and the sun shines brighter than the day before!”

When I was in 9th grade I hit my breaking point! I might say my rock bottom or my own personal hell! But guess what....I’m 35 now and my life is wonderful! 

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I had been doing silly superstitious things that were becoming more and more intense. I was getting in my own head and becoming afraid of the future if I didn't do something just perfectly right. For example, if my mind wasn't in the right place when I was turning off the light, I would have to go back, correct my mind and while thinking of a happy thought proceed to turn off the light. I was afraid that people in my life would die if I didn't get it right. To you...the reader....you may be so confused right now and be thinking WHAT? But that's just it. It is confusing unless you have gone through it yourself. And then like most things, as you focus on what scares you it starts to consume you and make you fear more. Every thought and step I took was focused on making the wrong move. 

Ultimately did I know that I couldn't control what was going to happen to someone else? Of course, but I still feared the "coincidence" it might have. I know God is in charge but my superstitions and worries controlled me and I wasn't living. 

I remember it very well, I kind of laughed in the mirror and thought..."what am I doing? I don't have to do this anymore? This is weird. I'm going to stop! BOOM!!!!! That's when it all came crashing down on me..

I was different. I was weird! I have to QUIT? Quit what? What is this I am doing? Is this normal? Has anyone ever been like this? Am I a nutcase? The minute I decided to change and quit these superstcions is the first time the reality of it all hit me so hard. Satan had subtly whispered in my ear that I was weird. That I was not good enough and that I was unworthy to be loved. 

It was about a week solid that I stayed home from school sick! Not with the flu. Not with a cold. Not with anything other than a deep desire of wanting to quit! I was DEPRESSED! I was never suicidal but I wanted to give up! I wanted to just disappear! 

I sat on the front porch crying. My twin sister opened the door and sat beside me and while crying herself asked me what was wrong? She knew I was struggling but didn't quite understand why I was so miserable. She didn't understand why I was so sad. Why this was all affecting me so bad. She was heart broken and hurting for me!  With eyes filled with tears I just simply told her... “I don’t want to live anymore! If a car hit me and I died, it would be okay!”

I had been in a place mentally where I felt like I was to weird of a person for people to love me! And if they did love me it was because they didn’t really know me! And if they wanted to love me then they needed to know first, how weird I was and then that way they could decide for themselves if they wanted to be my friend! Only then would it be fair because they had been given a chance to decide for themselves! 

Why was my twin sister fine (thankfully) and I was struggling so bad? We are twins! Shouldn't we be the same and have the same struggles? 

 She was able to get passed it all and be my rock! I'm afraid she has suffered every step of the way with me and I have put her through more than she deserved but she has stuck by my side through thick and thin. 

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 It was October 11th, mine and my twin sisters birthday and I was late for our birthday party! I had just gotten home from the doctors and I felt like a new person! It was the greatest birthday gift my Heavenly Father could have given me! I was going to be okay!!! Life was going to be okay! I was going to live again! 

It was while in that doctors office I sat crying to my mom as the doctor left the room after his diagnosis! I looked at her and asked, “What is that? What do I have?” 

I still remember the doctor asking me questions and I would respond honestly and actually very blunt! I told him everything I felt and everything I did! After the questions he looked at my mom and said, “She has OCD!”

Like I said, after the doctor left the room I was terrified! What? What is wrong with me? 

My mom sweetly said, “Its called obsessive compulsive disorder!”

The doctor and my mother explained how it’s part of a chemical imbalance and how they can help treat me by giving my body what it needs to correct it! He would give me a prescription and I would take it daily! 

That’s it? A pill? That’s it? So I’m going to be okay? 

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders! I felt like this light was shining through me again! I felt hope! I immediately felt like life was giving me another chance! I new right then I was going to have a future and I was going to be happy! 

Not everyone may feel that same way, that soon! Not everyone will respond with the same attitude after being diagnosed and/or medicated! And that’s okay! But hopefully as my story continues you might have hope that the sun will shine brighter tomorrow for you! 

With my hope being this strong, it didn't mean that everything got easier right away. I still continued to struggle with superstitious things and for years I had to practice and practice overcoming them but I became happier and was able to enjoy things again. In fact, there are times when I feel anxious that I feel the OCD superstitions and satan trying to creep in or convince me to worry again but it's life. Its a daily battle and something I must continue to fight. Some days are harder than others. 

After I left the doctors office, I remember talking with my mom and dad and I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted this all to go away and I was going to get healthy and life would go back to normal and it would be a thing of the past. I didn't want ANYONE to know. Which is kind of funny because my family knew I was struggling. They all had their fair share of talking to me and helping me though things by talking with me. I was so naive to say I didn't want anyone to know. 

I remember sitting in the kitchen and my loving brother mentioned something to me and told me how much he loved me and that if there was anything he could do to help me to let him know. At first I felt betrayed that my parents had let the beans out but I quickly learned that the more I talked about it and the more people knew my story the healthier I became. It was so therapeutic. 

If I have one bit of advice to share with anyone struggling it would be to not shut people out. Especially the ones you love. Look for help. Talk to people. Be real and raw. Let them know your struggles and don't be afraid of being judged. The sooner you can let go of that and realize that people generally want to help you the better off you'll be. If you need medicine, take it. If you need a therapist to talk to, go see one. Let your parents and your siblings in. Let them help you. 

My mom and dad along with my siblings including bothers and sisters in law were such a source of strength for me and I'm eternally grateful for them. 

.............XOXO 

Kaeli